by Ana Cecilia Oliveira

Photosynthesis is a seemingly normal teacher: born in Vermont on December 9, 1983; lived there until she graduated high school; has an older brother. In high school, she played ice hockey, soccer, and softball, and built sets for theatre productions. She is well-known at EAB for always having a warm smile on her face.

But here is what you don’t know about Photosynthesis: behind her kind, caring surface lurks a dangerous person. She is involved in the Lake Paranoá Cult, where teachers have been committing horrible crimes in the name of the IB gods. Last year, they stole all the coffee in Brasilia so that students wouldn’t be able to stay up late and study!

Photosynthesis attended College in Southern California, where she majored in molecular biology. After graduating college she worked in the Health sector, conducting research in immunology. She decided that she wanted to teach and went to Bulgaria. There, she met Red Beard, who had already been involved in the cult’s nefarious activities for several years. He convinced Photosynthesis to bow down to the deities of IB and join in on their crimes.

In Bulgaria, Photosynthesis went through a rigorous training program that included brainwashing, playing the ukulele, skydiving, and underwater basket-weaving! All of this was meant to drive home the most important lesson: the IB gods demand blood sacrifice for their unquestionable divinity.

Photosynthesis and Red Beard perfected a double-act. She played the sympathetic, caring teacher to lure unsuspecting students. Red Beard would joke about the IB gods, fooling his students into thinking it was all a lie… knowing they wouldn’t believe him. Then they would strike! They turned their students into brainless bots that thought of nothing but homework. One of her worst crimes was brainwashing students into breaking into a house and decorating it for Christmas overnight… in April! Other horrible atrocities  include serving insufficiently boiled vegetables and replacing students with cardboard cutouts during exams.

Photosynthesis moved to Ecuador, then Chicago, then Istanbul—never staying for very long, moving before anyone could find out what they were really up to… or connect it to the mysterious disappearances of students at each of the schools she’s worked at.

Photosynthesis is a dangerous criminal who must be stopped! She has been hiding behind a facade of kindness, using her biology knowledge for evil purposes. Her unsuspecting students have been used as sacrifices to satiate the IB gods. Students from our school have been sacrificed at the banks of Lake Paranoá, all so the teachers can continue their submissive support for these horrible academic divinities. They must be stopped!

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