Panic at EAB

The Professors of Lago Paranoá

Dear students, if you are reading this there is still time. You may have already heard dark whispers being uttered from the stuttering mouths of your classmates: unfortunately, they are true. It is in times of great desperation that we, the school newspaper Bullseye, come to you but first, let me explain…

It all began on a dark November night in 1968, lightning and thunder streaked the skies as the founders of the IB signed the last papers and created the diabolical institution we know today, maniacally cackling all the while. It was a program founded on ideas of international peace and prosperity in education, first proposed by Marie-Thérèse Maurette. A program which, in the decades to come, would rob countless hours of sleep and be the cause of much emotional grief for teenagers of all color, race, and creed. This was step one of their plan: Establishment.

The effects were immediate and historical. Netflix saw a drop in activity of around 78% as did Spotify, Youtube, Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. The collateral damage can only truly be compared to the catastrophic Wall Street Crash of 1929. Parents around the world were left scratching their heads as their teenage sons and daughters sat mechanically chanting the words “TOK-IOP-IOC-IA-EE-CAS-HL-SL-DP” until the acronyms occupied a permanent place in their souls. This was step two of their plan: Mind Control.

When the IB was first introduced at EAB, an expert group of investigative journalists from the Bull’s Eye began documenting strange occurrences and observed a trend. This series of unfortunate events has led to a shocking discovery and goes as follows.

  1. On the 12th of November, 2012, the school’s chemistry teacher arrived at school in a pink Maserati. Further scouting proved that expensive Borax crystals were being funneled through the IB and into Indonesian black markets.
  1. Again, another strange occurrence was noted on the 13th of september (a friday), 2013 when one of the English teachers was caught writing run-on sentences with subject-verb inconsistencies on the board. Here’s the kicker, he did it in alien hieroglyphics.
  1. What’s more on the 11th of February, 2014, the school’s beloved economics teacher and resident “Zoeiro” was accused and proven guilty of being a vegetarian. I mean, seriously, that is when the line was crossed. These “happenings”, if you will, make up the third part of their plan: Confusion.

Events became more frequent and elevated in strangeness. There are too many to list and I would prefer to spare you the horror. Until one day the last and most crucial piece of evidence we obtained was from a survivor, one of our very own journalists, Huat. He writes:

I was captured. Captured. Dragged down to some vile pit, or so I assumed. I wouldn’t know anyways, seeing as I was unconscious. My last memories consist of soothing music, kind of like the song that girl sings in “ Nightmare on Elm’s street”. It got me sleepy. Like lullabies. When I woke up, I was in shackles.

This, as you may have guessed, is the fourth and last part of their plan: Capture.

Now, you may well be asking yourself, if this is all believable, are teachers really sacrificing students in the name of the IB gods and bathing them in the nocturnal waters of Lago Parnoá? It is with a heavy heart and feverish hands that I type these words, yes it is. Even Donald J Trump, the president of the United States and stake/estate/casino mogul, a known crusader in the war against fake news and brave upholder of the alternative truth, has verified the Bull’s eye as a credible source. The proof lies in one small Indian and one large American, in reference of course, are Arjun and Bryce, two former students who were believed to have departed to India and Mozambique. What truly happened is simply grotesque: they were the first victims, washing up on the shores of the lake on December 8th of 2017 only remembering one sentence “Learners inspiring learners to be inquisitive in life, principled in character, and bold in vision”.

I have not been able to sleep these past few days, partly because of the IB and partly because of the nightmares. However, the Bullseye still believes that there is hope. We must, as a school, simply identify the teachers responsible and know how to prevent any future crimes which, by the way, are of international scale. By the next assembly all of you students are to have read the incriminating reports that have been written and left around Campus and will be tested on your knowledge of the crimes. You will be asked about detail and subject matter in a competitive, school-wide, trivia game, the winner will not only gain the moral victory of saving the school from disaster but also a pizza party and two field day points. This is because we know no one cares about a moral victory and we are trying to prevent an apocalypse. Students must be knowledgeable enough to answer on behalf of their class or be prepared to lose.

I am sorry to have to inform you of this threat to our very existence at the hands of  the IB and I fret for our collective mental health as the crucial day of the next assembly approaches. In the case that we all do not make it or that I have to seek refuge because of this article, It has been an honor to serve alongside you, #benedetto.

Sincerely, your editor

Lucas Duchrow

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